This item may not make much sense unless you both know something about mathematics and have seen the movie "Muppet Treasure Island". Thanks to my children I have seen it more than 50 times. The song "When You're a Professional Pirate" from this movie is performed by the incomparable Tim Curry, who gives a definitive performance of the role of Long John Silver. (You may remember him from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" as Dr. Frank N. Furter.)
Many of the lyrics in my revision are identical to those in the original, and are used completely without permission.
(sung to the tune of "When You're a Professional Pirate" )
(Verse)
When I was just a lad,
Looking for my true vocation,
My father said, "My son, this choice
Deserves deliberation.
Though you could be a doctor,
Or perhaps a financier,
My boy, why not consider
A more challenging career!"
(Chorus)
Phi, Theta, Rho!
At parties we'll be bores!
We'll spend ten years in college,
And we'll never go outdoors!
Oh, epsilons and deltas are what
We can't live without.
And when you're a mathematician...
That's what the job's about!
(Verse)
Now take old Dr. Myrrh;
His students all despise him.
But to his colleagues he's a hero,
And they idolize him.
It's how you look at professors
That makes them bad or good.
It's not that we're incompetent,
We're just misunderstood!
(Chorus)
Phi, Theta, Rho!
Our standards will not bend!
We always fail our students
When they cannot count to ten.
Our devotion to our discipline
You simply can't dispute.
And when you're a mathematician...
You don't have to wear a suit!
(Intermezzo)
I could have been a surgeon,
I like taking things apart.
I could have been a lawyer but
I just had too much heart.
I could have been in politics 'cause
I've always been a big spender.
I could have been a priest but
I preferred to keep my gender.
(Verse)
Some say that we are twisted folk,
And should be feared and hated.
But I say we're just victims of bad press,
It's all exaggerated.
We call our moms each Sunday night,
We always pay our taxes,
And we're just about the bestest guys
For finding mins and maxes!
(Final Chorus)
Phi, Theta, Rho!
It's one-to-one and onto!
We'll make you do your homework
Even when you do not want to!
Necessary and sufficient things
Are what we always seek.
And when you're a mathematician...
You'll be honest, kind, and meek!
Give quizzes every week!
You'll be loyal and fair and have bad hair,
And often write in Greek, and
When you're a mathematician...
The world will always see you as a geek!